#dv recovery

[desultory-suggestions]

You are not defined by what happened to you

[liberaljane]

it can be hard to leave a toxic environment, but you deserve to be safe.

Digital illustration of a young Asian woman sitting on a staircase in a green tank top and pants. Text reads, 'you deserve to be in an environment that brings out the softness in you -- not he survival in you.'

[daddysdisappointment]

[narcsurvivor]

[whumpberry-cookie]

(W:) "I bled through my clothes and sheets you freshly washed. I'm so sorry..."

(C:) "Oh, just put them in the washing mashine. Did you patch up your wounds or need some help with that?"

(W:) ".....aren't you angry?"

(C:) "I don't- exactly unders- You want me to get mad at you for bleeding?"

(W:) "Not that I want it. But that's not a normal reaction"

(C:) "I'm kinda scared to ask what in your understanding is a normal reaction"

----------------------------

[cringyguuurl]

The burden of caring the memories of your abuse while not being able to talk about it bc it makes most people uncomfortable is HEAVY

It feels like being stuck carrying his dirty little secret. I can't stand the fact it's gonna stay like this...forever.

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 2:

Part 1 link

Part 3 link

More Astarion headcanons! (that are mostly me projecting but with an Astarion flavored twist.)

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & DV Trigger Warnings: I cannot stress these enough this post is much more descriptive and potentially triggering than part one was.

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or Wish.com Cazador.

I hope you're ready for abrupt mood swings.

--- One minute he's codependent and can't make a decision on his own because he's overwhelmed, the next he's hyper-independent and will take offense at any suggestion you make.

----- Astarion is aware that staying in either of the two extremes is unhealthy and would eventually lead him to acting like Cazador.

^ This ties into point two: You need walk the fine line between patient and understanding while he processes "200 years of Shit. PURE SHIT!". And at the same time you need to be firm in your own boundaries with how you allow him to treat you.

--- He's gone 200 years without autonomy and has no memory of what life was like before Cazador turned him. He has no frame of reference other than romance novels and watching couples interact with each other from afar.

-----TBH the best thing for him is to stay in regular contact with Halsin. The man has the same flavor as trauma as Astarion while also having strong boundaries and open honest/ healthy communication in his relationships. He can unjudgementally help Astarion navigate the pitfalls of his healing journey through first hand experience.

Plus Ultra Catholic levels of guilt.

--- Guilt for what he did while he was a spawn. Guilt for how he started his relationship with you (even after you've told him you forgive him multiple times). Guilt for how he lashes out at the one person who has shown him unconditional love (you). Guilt because he feels like he's dragging you down into his darkness and tainting you. Guilt because he fears he's pulling you down to bring himself up. Guilt for feeling guilty because it doesn't absolve him of his sins and makes healing harder.

Self-esteem issues

--- He was SA'd for 200 years, he was forced into prostitution, he was tortured in every conceivable way, he was made to do reprehensible things and learned to find "joy" in them because he would've lost all of himself and his humanity otherwise.

------ His inner saboteur (who sounds like Cazador and himself simultaneously- adding to his self hate) tells him that he is disgusting, wrong, filthy, a burden, unlovable, undeserving of happiness, a monster.

------- Like everything else these thoughts will become less frequent and easier for him to handle as time goes on. All you can do is love him while he self-flagellates and hates himself. One day he'll see himself as you see him.

^ Tying into all the points above, especially the one right before this one. You're going to feel useless. Most of the time all you can do is demonstrate your love for him and sit there with him while he is bombarded with years of repressed feelings forcing their way out.

--- In the beginning your attempts to help him will frequently seem to have the opposite of their intended effect.

----- It's important that you be honest with him about how you're doing mentally. It does him no favors if you set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

------- You'll be angry on his behalf and can't exact revenge.

--------- That being said you are helping him so much more than you think you are. I cannot express in words how much just being there while Astarion slogs through the painful process of healing will help him.

^ ALL of these will get less intense and easier to deal with in time. He will heal and move on from his horrid past. But, it will involve a lot of trial and error. He will have periods of exponential growth followed by a hard backslide in progress. But he will get there.

I wouldn't say that loving Astarion is hard, but it does involve conscious effort on both his and your parts.

[thusspoketrish]

New Chapters | The Art of Getting By

NEW CHAPTERS: Chapters 5 and 6!

EXCERPT, Chapter 6:

Louis leans in then, his tone callous, and says, “Well, maybe your feelings don’t matter as much as you think.” Harry trembles, suddenly feeling nauseous. How often had he felt that way because people constantly dismissed him? His concerns were always brushed off, sometimes with dire consequences…Voldemort, Draco, Snape, Finley…it’s all rushing back to him now. It’s as if he’s reliving the same frustrating experiences, only this time, it was in a sterile, suffocating room filled with strangers. The anger, the sense of betrayal, the helplessness—all hits him at once. “Fuck you,” Harry hisses, a cold anger threatening to settle in the centre of his chest. “It’s clear you don’t care about what I think, but guess what? We would all be fucking dead had I not acted out on my paranoia! So you listen to me, Louis. You have no idea what it’s like to be in my bloody shoes, constantly being doubted and called crazy! I’ve saved lives because I trusted my instincts. And I’m sick of people like you belittling me—!” “Freeze!” Sarah nearly shouts, startling Harry. She steps forward. “Okay, let’s take a breather; try to diffuse that surge of anger. Count to four while you inhale, hold your breath for four counts, then exhale for four counts, repeat. Both of you.” Harry shifts his weight from one foot to the other, closing his eyes as he tries to focus on breathing. He goes through a few rounds before the sharp edge of his anger begins to dull. He opens his eyes, noticing Louis' expression seems softer. Sarah nods. “Excellent. Unfreeze!”

Read The Art of Getting By on AO3, here.

Please mind the tags and warnings.

_________________

I need to give another shoutout to my glorious beta, @youknowyoudid for the phenomenal work she's been doing in triple checking over these chapters!!! Thank you!!! x

_________________

Image Text:

The Art of Getting By

Chapter 5: The Wilhelm Scream Chapter 6: Folded, and Unfolded, and Unfolding

Written by Trishjames and Edited by YouKnowYouDid

[ed-recoverry]

What is abuse in relationships (romantic mostly, but also platonic):

Hitting, punching, slapping, cutting off air/blood supply, spanking (non consensual), and all other forms of non consensual physical pain inflicted.

Forcing or coercing you to have sex, perform sexual acts, or partake in sexual kinks/fetishes you are not into.

Yelling, screaming, and rage. Especially when it’s often and or unprovoked.

Attempting to take your life or causing severe severe bodily harm.

What is also abuse:

Gaslighting

Cheating

Forcing or coercing you into a relationship dynamic or lifestyle you aren’t comfortable with

Pretending to hit you

Hitting/punching holes in walls

Making you chose between family/friends and them

Purposefully interfering with events they know you have planned

Pressuring/forcing you to make big life decisions fast

Pressuring/forcing you to make sure big life decisions involve them

Pressuring/forcing you to restrict/stop your hobbies or commitments

Pressuring/forcing you to change your appearance

Using guilt to make you do something

Throwing away or damaging your own items without permission

Disrespecting physical boundaries that aren’t sexual

Ignoring no (in and out of sexual scenarios)

Listening when you say no, but guilting you for saying no

Hiding keys

Restricting food intake

Bullying

Using past traumas against you

Pressuring/forcing you to reveal/talk about trauma

Looking through your phone without permission

Breaking/blocking your forms of communication

Using their mental illness as an excuse

Making you guess what they are thinking (especially punishing you for not picking the right answer)

Making you guess what they want (especially punishing you for not picking the right answer)

Convincing you your friends/family are bad for you

Convincing you that people are nice to you only for ulterior motives

Pressuring/forcing you to block friends and family

Weaponizing compliments or forms of affection (from them or others)

Discourage negative emotions (especially crying and being vulnerable)

Belittling your thoughts, opinions, and feelings

Threatening suicide if you don’t do what they want

Tracking your location (especially without your knowledge)

Constantly accusing you of cheating

Taking innocent actions as proof your cheating/hate them

Making them physically uncomfortable

Pressuring/forcing you to leave events early

Lying to loved ones about what you said/how you feel

Pressuring/forcing you to spend all of your time together

Pressuring/forcing you to make body alterations, get piercings, get tattoos, get medical procedures, etc

All apologies from them end with you apologizing

Guilting you for things you could not control

Weaponizing good things they’ve done

Getting mad at you for feeling a certain way

Degrading you

Insulting you

Controlling your money/finances

Getting angry when you miss/want to be with other people

Apologies end with something along the lines of “I guess I’m the worst person ever�� or “sorry I’m a terrible partner”

Weaponizing triggers

Using sunk cost fallacy as an argument to stay together

Unfair ultimatums

Causing minor injuries (cuts, scrapes, bruises) (purposeful or otherwise)

Pressuring/forcing you to quit your education/job

Stalking

Spamming your phone until you pick up

Threatening you (even if you know they won’t actually do it)

Threatening your loved ones (even if you know they won’t act on it)

When no choice is the right choice

Pressuring/forcing you to film sexual acts

Sabotaging opportunities

Destroying sentimental items

Pressuring/forcing you to break boundaries you have set up

Pressuring/forcing you off medication.

Encouraging harmful coping mechanisms

Discouraging healthy coping mechanisms

Discouraging recovery and getting help

Relationship abuse can happen to any one, any gender, any race, any relationship. And it’s not always the extreme. And while abuse is the extreme of screaming yelling and physical and sexual violence, it’s also a whole lot of other, more subtle actions. This is not an exclusive list and there’s many more that qualify to be put on here. Abuse is abuse, not matter the form, and you deserve better.

[granulesofsand]

Kinda argued with one of our group therapists over what it means to be traumatized. One of our group mates was asking, and the answer was basically chemicals. The thing that got to me was that the therapist said not all traumatized people have been through trauma. Like. How do you figure? I know the answer, I just don’t like it. I’m a believer in letting people define their own experiences with whatever resources we can provide, but some of those recollections fell squarely into what I’d call trauma and the therapist was trying to define them out of it. Agency, all I want is to give folks agency.

[enoughdonegone]

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.

[irenetherogue]

Them: how r u

Me: my world is a living hell from which death will be the only release

Them:

Me: I'm fine how r u

[daddysdisappointment]

Never.

[narcsurvivor]

@ starparkdesigns on insta

[curiositysavesthecat]

*This poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. If you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post).

[cringyguuurl]

I love my bf so much I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self what it's like to be loved and taken care of like this

I want her to know we're not too much, we're loveable and deserve gentleness.